Straight Through the Heart:  Everywoman, Everyman

A Personal Reflection

Written by Jennifer Coomes

January 2011

At the transition of 2009 to 2010, I felt called to write a body of work called, “To This Earth, We Speak,” which transcended any purpose that I could have conceived of, simply because I let it evolve spontaneously and truthfully.  Initially I was writing because of my initial frustrations of seeing and feeling great imbalance in my own world.  Masculine energy (this is not necessarily a male trait, but in excess, it is aggressiveness) was so dominant and overwhelming that I was getting to a point of fearing my own successful progression towards my purpose of becoming a naturopathic doctor.   Whether it was in violence, aggression, ambition, pushing too much and too hard, or demanding more than what was needed, what I saw and what I felt inside of myself was a fear from the inside out as to where our world was going and if I could find a way back home to myself again.  I was here to become a doctor, practice medicine, yet I was losing myself in the process.   In a higher sense I would call this a Great Transition (you might equate it with the same essence of a Great Depression).  In the confusion of it all, I wavered between anger and resentment, wanting justice, wanting a better way, wishing there were leaders who could see what I saw, wishing for supporters who would stand for the same things that I was in synergy and collaboration.   Yet what I saw more than anything else and what I felt on very deep levels was fear, war, corruption, and apathy. It was a weight deeper and darker than I could imagine, and wading through it was like praying for a hand to save you from drowning but not knowing where the hand was.  It was pitch dark, yet the force of understanding what felt right was strong.  The world around me, however, simply did not make sense and was getting darker all the time.

As I waded through understanding my deeper and intuitive self better, I made many mistakes that would take me through cycles of battlement and self-despair to a point where I wondered if I would survive it all.  It was that intense and overwhelming.  As someone who had a college education, a wisdom and experience in the world, and a practical understanding of what was right and wrong, I found myself suffering with constant failure, rejection, hurt, ruptured self-esteem, and feeling like the only way I would be able to survive in this world would be if I lived as a strong masculine force, or a justice keeper.  Again, I wanted to correct it all.  If I wasn’t fighting a battle outside me, I was fighting one inside me, so much so that the person who looked in the mirror felt like a multitude of demons splashing through the soul of my eyes, and somewhere deep inside where I’d lost her, was the true essence, heart, and elegance of myself.   She was there, I knew, but where exactly was the question, and it was a frightening fight on the quest to find her. 

On and off for years, I felt like something was off, as if something and someone had taken over me, and who I was.  If I spoke, I felt disconnected.  I was easily weakened by others who had more dominating energy, so much so that I began to stay quiet while the inner anger stirred.  My voice just wasn’t what it used to be, or so I believed.  I began to doubt my ability to make a difference.   People simply didn’t want what I was giving, at least where I was giving it.  The energy of environments and people around me was almost too much to be around.  It was overwhelming, heavy, stressful, and frightening. Whereas I used to feel very warrior-like, as a protector, tuned to the essence of love and healing, I felt as if I was slowly losing my inner warrior energy to mentally, emotionally, and spiritually succeed.  Worse, I was loosing it to others. I heard other’s voices inside myself more than I heard my own, and there was always an element of fighting.  Listening was a bear as I tried to wade through this ocean and find my root again.   Mental energy dominated in all the places where I felt my heart should.  Everyday I woke up was another version of mental conversations that played with my mind and spirit that often I felt like I was fighting with someone who wasn’t even present.  It was unbelievable and profound, as if I was in a constant spiritual war.  I was distracted and easily pulled away from center by situations that angered me.  Anger dominated my life, whether it was mine or everyone else’s.  It was as if I was on the edge, waiting for the next moment when I was going to be angry like a routine to my day, just as taking a shower, eating food, or brushing my teeth would be. 

Growing up, I knew myself to be a person who was resourceful, greatly optimistic, and knew what I needed to do to succeed even through challenges, which I’d had plenty of.  I’ve always had a sound work ethic (probably a workaholic in some senses) because it was something grounded in me from my teenage years.  My mom, a single mom of twins (and what a set of twins she has), always worked very hard, and has to this day.  Yet, I’d grown to a place where I could not perform, and the grace and elegance of work coming easy to me gradually became an overwhelming force of frustration and walls.  I felt more arguments and breakdown of relationships and communication to a point that I practically lived as a recluse, retreating into my home in sanctuary to balance in quiet until I’d felt confident again to conquer the noise of the world (inside and out).  I was simply that sensitive.  Not necessarily fragile, but sensitive.  Whereas other’s insecurities or dis-ease used to be an inspiration to my work as a massage therapist, yoga instructor, and doctor to be to help shift and brighten, I found myself racked with my own doubt and insecurity.  How could I be useful?

Everywhere I turned it seemed I no longer had the validation for what was right.  My energy had moved up to my mind in questions and I felt more need to seek reassurance rather than stay grounded in my center and inner wisdom.  I’d worked hard to strengthen this grounding for many years, and suddenly I felt faced with the same need again due to increasing amounts of stress and expectations. The outside environment was simply very strong and something within me was getting attracted to the needs and drive of it.   I wanted to correct the outside even though my inside was being consistently weakened.  Even when I felt safe, I no longer felt the confidence of my natural self, at least nothing consistently.  Something was missing, and somehow I wondered if I’d ever find what it was again….my natural grace, flow, and essence.  There was much more dominance in my life than natural and mutual relationships.  There was often an inequality of power.  Communication was nearly impossible in its healthy and thriving forms.  Manipulation was at its highest.  Politics everywhere.  Truth was in a hidden cave.

I understood that there was something better, but the pathways to getting there seemed nonexistent.  No one was listening, or so it seemed.  There was a quest for concise, and getting to the point, because people simply didn’t have time or desire for more, real, process, or deeper.   Yet everyone around me was hurting in some way because of the hurry.   It was only until later, as I heard other’s stories, that I realized that I wasn’t alone.  While this was more comforting and took more of the pressure off, it didn’t erase the consistency of what I was feeling on a daily basis.   As a woman, I felt like a child, getting scolded by those who suddenly felt they knew better, as I wandered through the tundras of defeat and failure in areas that mattered to me and my purpose of becoming a naturopathic doctor.   It wasn’t that I didn’t know how to correct, it was simply that I’d forgotten my courage as a warrior, to listen deeply, and to act on her regard.   I tried to reason my failures, telling myself that I was new to a particular skill, learning curves were great, or I didn’t have what others brought to the table, yet I have many skills and I have always been resourceful.   I wondered if my brain simply didn’t want to understand.   Was my teenage stubbornness coming through in full force?  I wasn’t sure if I just wasn’t listening or if more realistically, I just wasn’t listened to.  I found myself consistently attracted to justice: correcting power struggles, insecurities, politics, and psychological tangles, rather than the fined tuned insight to master new skills and new knowledge.  It was as if my mind wanted to revert to the old habits of what it was used to, what it had worked with for years; however, the opening to new pathways was only inside the devotion of a new choice.  I simply needed to choose to become a doctor, become my purpose.

I wondered if everyone was navigating the roughness of this road on some level, possibly telling me that everyone was feeling the way I was, but in their own unique life.  I wasn’t sure, all I knew was that I wasn’t getting through, and anger was driving my life.  Everywhere I turned I faced egos, but everywhere I saw faces, I saw pain or blank stares.  Apathy was profound, and the passion to inspire from the heart was blanketed.  The sickness was there long before I arrived to the scene, yet the disbelief that this sickness could prevail was shocking and disturbing, especially in the places where healing was to be at its finest, nurturing at its truth.  There just had to be some practical yet wise solutions.

At the tip of that iceberg, I sat down in the midst of the deeper mental challenges and I wrote “To This Earth, We Speak…” which came to life right at the transition of 2009 to 2010.  It was a way for me to fight through to the answers that were lost inside of me as masculine energy was more dominant, yet knowing more deeply that something wiser and feminine within wanted to speak.  Inside of me, I knew there was something innate that was beyond all of this frustration, fear, and despair, because it was part of the answers given to me by my training in massage, yoga, meditation, and medicine.   All of the answers were there, but the manifestation was missing. It was simply that I didn’t know how to make it all work together to manifest the answer that would get through inside of the masculine stubbornness and difficulties of perceptions and communication.  Or rather, I believed I knew, but that no one was listening or valuing what I had to say.  Or again, I was missing something.  I still wonder if the outside is listening, but at the same transition a year later, I know that I am.   That, in deeper reflections, something deeper has awakened inside of me to bring alive my truer self that is more grounded, spacious, and connected.  I feel wiser, more in tune, more true, and healed on greater levels.   Softer.  Spiritual.  Relevant.

What created this Shift?

While I didn’t know if this was all just some kind of boot camp of sorts, and a crazy one at that, as I finally began to wade through the confusion of it, I found what was most important was to listen and do what I felt was right, what aligned with my heart energy.   While I couldn’t explain even half of everything that was really going on, what I knew from my past experiences at the extremes from balance was that if I slowed down, stayed simple, and let my mind, body, emotions, and heart balance naturally, I would see and feel more calmness.  The key to it was to trust.   Rather than to consistently respond to outer stimulus, I began to source my God energy.  I used it in my language, my communication, and in my daily activities.   I was convinced that God knew better, wherever God was, wherever God is.  Whatever behaviors were going on outside of me or inside of me, I was convinced that God knew better.  I began wearing a cross as protection.   Slowly, I began to see the outside world respond differently.   I was convinced that Faith was the answer.

There was just something about bringing forth what was higher, a relationship to love and God that somehow brought out a different energy from those around me.  I couldn’t even put a finger on why it was all so negative, though I had some suspects; however I knew stress was a major factor.  Anywhere God was, however, gave pause to me and others.  When I couldn’t get through in any other way, I had confidence that God would.  That’s what I needed.  The beautiful thing about bringing God in even more consciously and deeper into my life than before is that I understood myself better and felt safer with God in it.  It wasn’t just a momentary thing to get through a rough patch, it was realizing where God was inside, in my life, and in my awareness.  In making this finer commitment, I became more grounded and simplified.  In getting through the stagnation, there was hope.  It helped me to understand more truthfully what was important, and even when the world seemed challenging, there was an enormous comfort in tuning into God’s messages, music, heart, and nature.   I found it easier to do what my heart wanted to do, because I would often get the reminder to do what was important to stay devoted to my purpose.   It was not about getting wrapped up in the wrong things or unnecessary wars.  It was about being healthy and thriving.  So every time I caught myself wanting to be angry or blaming, I came back to asking myself the important questions in how it was serving my purpose to become a naturopathic doctor and serve health.  I began asking for support. 

I often received the message to “tell the truth,” and to tell the truth in such a way that it wasn’t about power or struggle, but resolving and answering to a better way.  I found myself listening and singing deeply for days so I could resolve the inner emotions and mind constructs that were keeping me attached to anger or people who were connected to anger for me, regardless of level or time in my life.  I worked on my family, past and current relationships, my school life, greater global callings, and just simplifying in myself.  It is a continual process and a deep one, but a transformative one revealing Essence more consistently.

At the root of all things is Essence because it is the cause for life.  What sustains life?  Your heart.  The more you tune to it, breathe it, and live from it, the more authentic and healthier you’ll be.   The heart creates a healthy mind, brain, body, spirit, awareness, and action.   What is the power that guides the heart?   The heart is a miracle, so the only thing I can even think of that would have this is gift is God (or whatever you call your Source).  I can’t think of anything that has more power beyond God, because there’s nothing manmade that can explain a miracle.  Life itself is a miracle.  So, whatever you call your Source, let it come into your heart and transform.  Pray.  When we want to make our world a better place, inside and out, and however far you want it to reach; this is the place to call to:  the Source guiding your Heart.  From there, all things radiate and make more sense.  If you question, become quiet, tune in to your Source and see if your heart is in alignment.  That is the best cause for change, and positive change at that. 

Live your life and actions through your heart more and see what happens.  Sometimes it’s challenging, these times are challenging.   Your heart, however, knows right action, and your Source (which I call God) is your sage.

Listen.

Deeply.

You’ve just created Life. 

God bless,

Jennifer

Daniel James Leek 

(August 5, 1975-Thanksgiving 2010)

In loving memory and tribute to my friend, a good man, a fellow classmate and researchmate, and excellent researcher in naturopathic medicine who gave us the best of his "liver fire," his heart, his art, his wisdom, his love for Traditional Chinese Medicine, and laughter to make this world a better place.  I bow to you kind sir, wherever you may be.  I'll never forget you.